The Handbook for Vampires
by MeilleurCafe
Summary: When all else fails, read the instruction manual, right? Bella finds a book on Carlisle's shelf that intrigues her. Even though it's old and outdated, she and Edward find it's not exactly useless. Playful, lemony O/S. All vamp; post-BD; no Renesmee.


Introduction: Now That You're a Vampire

_Congratulations! You've become immortal. Since you are reading this, you're likely well past the newborn stage and have many questions. We've prepared this manual to help you find your way, because forever would be a long time to remain lost. It is our fervent wish that you discover the answers you need to remain fulfilled and happy in the afterlife._

_The Volturi_

"Are they kidding?" Bella wondered. "Who edited this? Dr. Phil?"

She found the publication on Carlisle's bookshelf. He'd invited her to make use of his books in case there was something she wanted to explore or learn. Several years had passed since her change, and Bella relished the extra time she had for reading.

While skimming through Carlisle's collection, she came across this unusual document, which was more like a booklet or transcript. It appeared to be around 20 years old, judging by the typeface.

Without taking her eyes off the text, Bella moved quickly to a loveseat in Carlisle's study. She saw a list of chapter headings: _Prologue, The Change, The Newborn Stage, Immortality, Secrecy, Sustenance, Mating._ Skimming quickly over the first few sections, she noted that the language was retrospective in tone, as if the writer expected his audience to have already passed through the change and the newborn stage.

Bella jumped to the chapter titled _Mating._ The content addressed finding and living with a suitable mate, and seemed to assume that anyone reading would be a vampire partnered with another vampire. Also, she noticed, the chapter considered only heterosexual relationships, and presumed to take a male point of view. For example, some of the text discussed the need to change locations quickly, and took for granted that the male would be the primary decision maker on that.

"Holy crow," Bella said. "This is horrible."

Edward, who was in their room down the hall, heard her. "Is something wrong?" he asked. "Are you all right?"

Bella appeared next to him on the bed almost instantaneously. "Look at this booklet I found in Carlisle's study. Have you ever seen it?"

As soon as he glanced at it, Edward chuckled. "Ah, yes, the ill-fated vampire handbook. Did you read through it?"

"Some of it. It's pretty ridiculous," she said.

He laughed more heartily. "Yes, it is. It's a product of its era. When Carlisle was living with the Volturi three centuries past, Aro seized on this idea of having some type of guidance for new vampires. Someone - I don't know who - had already started to draft it. When it was presented to Carlisle with the request that he take it on as a project, he noted that perhaps it might not be the best idea to have all the details of their lifestyle in writing."  
"Exactly," Bella said. "It doesn't sound like Aro, to be so careless."  
"People often documented highly undesirable activities for their own use, almost as an early form of journaling. They were not as worried about discovery back then, when books or documents could be easily hidden and there was no other media," Edward noted.  
"This handbook assumes a hell of a lot," Bella said. "It's also practically a how-to for stalking human victims."  
Edward nodded. "And that was the real reason Carlisle talked them out of it. He was repulsed by it and wanted no part of it. The Volturi would not consider including a chapter on Carlisle's 'alternative lifestyle' of feeding on animals. Carlisle used the pretense of safety to discourage Aro from pursuing it."

"Marcus recently resurrected the idea and had the manual's contents typed out – without Aro knowing, of course. He asked Carlisle to again take a look at it, a couple of decades ago. Marcus though that if Carlisle could improve it, he could talk Aro into allowing it. Carlisle agreed to read it, but he still thinks it's a bad idea. He tries to avoid discussing it with Marcus."  
"Good for Carlisle," Bella noted. She carefully turned the pages to the section on _Mating._ "You have to read this. It's laughably awful."  
"Awful as in badly written, or in content?" Edward asked.  
"Both. It's incredibly sexist and borderline homophobic."  
"Again, a product of its era. Some of that content is centuries old."  
Bella turned it over, looking for any other markings or notations. The pages ended with the completion of the chapter on _Mating._  
"And another thing. It's so clinical. Lifetime mating is discussed in the dryest terms. It's as if it was written by a vampire who does technical writing for a living," she complained.  
Edward leaned over and drew her hair up to kiss her neck. "Were you hoping for something more explicit?"

"Well...yeah. Plus, it would have been nice if they stressed the good parts of being a vampire, like endless energy, no sleep, and equal strength."

"You're even more lovely when you're indignant," he whispered.

"It's annoying."

He kissed around to the back of her neck and nestled his hand underneath her shirt, in the small of her back. "What, this? Is this annoying?"

She smiled. "You're never annoying." Bella leaned into his hand, which smoothed over her skin gently while his lips moved to her earlobe.

"Where is everyone?" Bella knew Emmett and Rosalie were away for a few days, but she detected no one else at home besides her and Edward.

"Carlisle is at work, Esme is at the shop, and Jasper and Alice are in school." The family had moved to Whitefish, Montana, the previous year. Carlisle was head of medicine at the Kalispell Regional Hospital. Bella and Edward also worked there, in the pharmacy, and they generally shared shifts; today was a day off. Esme opened her own interior design business in the Whitefish central business district. Jasper and Alice resumed their high school studies as seniors.

Bella turned to Edward with a wicked grin. "We have the place to ourselves? Really?"

"Really." Edward was kissing her collarbone.

"Hmmm..." Bella said thoughtfully. "You know, maybe we can help rewrite this manual."

Edward, not at all diverted, said, "You don't mean now, do you?"

"Why not?" she asked innocently.

"My love," Edward said solemnly, "I know you well enough to realize there is a joke in here somewhere, which shall make its presence known in 3...2...1..."

"You disparage me, Edward Cullen. I was going to make a perfectly good suggestion that we do the necessary research for a better chapter on mating."

"Ah. I could get behind that." His hand tugged at the hem of her shirt, pulling it up and off of her.

"See, I would normally have said you should get behind _me,_ but now that you've insulted my humor, the invitation will not be forthcoming."

"No worries," he murmured, his lips trailing along the skin at the edges of her bra cups. "I'll stay here in front of you."

Bella was not about to admit she was becoming intensely distracted. "Now here," she continued, "this chapter mentions expanding your search for a mate and going to other countries, if necessary. It's kind of funny; it's almost as if they're recommending coming up with a plan."

"I have a plan," Edward said, his breath now warm against her chest. His hands slid behind her to deftly unclasp the bra, which he left loose while massaging her back.

"I do, too," she said, thinking that she'd have to work quickly if she was going to carry out that plan, before she and Edward became too involved right here.

"Me first," he said, quickly tossing the bra aside and pushing her on the bed. Edward loomed over her, watching with a particular grin that Bella had become very familiar with. She referred to it as his anticipatory sex smile - acronym, ASS.

As Edward lowered his head to her breasts, Bella moaned. "Let me just say," she gasped, struggling to maintain the conversation, "that I find their failure to include the nuances of vampire sex..." She momentarily lost her train of thought - a highly unusual occurrence for a vampire, but Edward was sucking and tugged at her nipples in a slow, repetitive manner that discouraged all rumination in favor of physical sensation.

"...mmmm...vampire sex...nuances..." she tried to continue.

Edward glanced up, his eyebrows knit in a look of total amusement. 'Will you shut up?"

"Be nice," she gasped. She yanked open the front of his shirt and ripped off all the buttons. He wasn't wearing an undershirt, so it was worth it.

Edward looked down. "You ruined my shirt."

"That's part of _my_ plan," Bella said, then darted away from him and down the hall. Edward raced after her, laughing.

"Plus," she said, taking the stairs four at a time, "they don't even discuss human and vampire sex, which we now know is entirely possible." Bella hit the floor and ran toward the living room.

"Why would they? It's a handbook for vampires, not vampire wanna-bes." Her husband was gaining on her.

"I could have used something like that," she said, rounding the corner into the kitchen, "if only to show you how wrong you were."

They were both clad only in their jeans. Edward made a dive and grabbed Bella around the waist, taking her down in the hallway. The floor barely withstood the punishment.

Edward grinned, watching Bella's breasts bounce with the motion of her body. She was on her back on the floor, with Edward again over her. Since she had overcome the newborn stage, Edward had become increasingly playful and open, and Bella marveled at the ease with which many of his inhibitions slipped away.

She knew they'd had sex when she was human; they married before her immortality. What little she recalled of it was somewhat clouded by Edward's constant worry about her safety at that time. Their physical relationship then was wonderful in its own way, but they were now equal and unrestricted, as well as _married._ Edward shed all of his concerns, and both of them cautiously, then with complete abandon, came to know each other in the one way that had been denied for a great deal of their time together. Bella was thrilled to realize that her husband had an amazingly erotic side to him. She credited his ability to read minds for inspiring him in ways that she hadn't thought of. It was as if he'd stored up a lot of what he wanted to do, and unleashed it once Bella was unbreakable.

Right now, he was propped up on his left forearm, head tilted to the side, while his right index finger traced the circumference of Bella's breasts - first the left one, then the right. He'd made it plain on a number of occasions that her cleavage was among his favorite parts of her body, and had been since she was human. Generally, he didn't bypass an opportunity to lick, nip or even simply touch them. He moved his head as if he was reverently bowing, and resumed sucking on her nipples, first gently, then with more intensity.

"But more immmmmmmmportant," Bella said, her voice catching, "why didn't they compare the…the two?"

"Hmmm? What do you mean?" Edward, being on the administering end of their play, could manage some coherency.

"Vvvvampire sex..." she gasped.

"Yes?" Edward was trailing his lips down her stomach and stopped at her jeans, running his tongue along the edge of the material.

"...I mean, between...between two vampires...it has to be the safest sex on the planet." She was done talking for the moment, fairly certain he'd stop and ask a follow-up question.

Sure enough, Edward lifted his head, puzzled. "What does that mean?"

Bella slid herself out from under him and flipped over, then jumped up and ran again. This was yet another action that never would have been possible when she was human. It took about a second, and Edward raced behind her.

He grabbed her and threw her on the couch. The frame protested and audibly cracked.

"You're safe because you're both strong and healthy. No diseases, no possible injuries," she said. Edward held her down firmly with his hands on her thighs.

"Please stop. I am not done here," he said sternly. His copper hair tickled her chest as he lowered his head and tracked his nose along the center of her chest, and she giggled. Then, he resumed kissing and gradually slowed his pace, biting her sometimes gently, sometimes fiercely. Bella moaned and involuntarily pushed her hips and bottom into the couch cushions, the flare between her legs burning brightly.

Still nipping and occasionally licking, Edward's mouth again reached her jeans, and he tore the snap away from its hole. With his teeth, he slowly pulled down the zipper and edged her pants down past her hips. Bella was grabbing at the denim around Edward's own waist, growling in frustration that she couldn't get to his fly. She could see his erection below the pants, and it made her feel hungry. But every time she grabbed at him, Edward swung his hips away from her grasp.

She pouted, even as Edward made a show of nudging her jeans down her legs and tossing them aside. He watched her carefully until he glanced sideways to toss them aside, and then she took off like a shot, sliding off the furniture between the couch and the coffee table and bounding up the stairs back to the bedroom.

Shaking his head and chuckling, Edward gave her a few seconds' head start. He ran into the bedroom to see Bella sitting placidly on their bed, wearing only her underpants and reading The Vampire's Handbook with a look of deep concentration on her face.

"It says nothing about any forbidden acts here," she complained. "How can I know if I'm doing anything I'm not supposed to?"

Edward stood directly in front of his wife, his waist nearly level with her chin. "For example," she said as she studiously unsnapped his pants and pulled down the zipper, "what if this is somehow against the rules?" She pushed his jeans down and deftly freed his erect cock, smoothing her hands against it and then slowly bringing it into her mouth.

"I'm willing to take that chance," Edward breathed.

"Hmmmmmmm," Bella replied, allowing the vibration to enhance the languid movement. Edward closed his eyes and dropped his head to his chest, enjoying the feel of her tongue and teeth for a few minutes before placing his hands along the sides of her face.

"You're right," he said, his voice sounding tight. "I'm quite sure there are other things I can do that are very legal, and if you wait just a little bit longer, I'll show you what they are. But I'm wondering," he added, nudging her down on the bed, "is this within the letter of the law?"

"What, removing my underwear?" Bella asked as he slipped his hands underneath the lingerie and moved them around to her behind, palming her. Though she had never minded his cold touch when she was human, she marveled at how alike their skin was now. Edward's hands over her ass felt warm and loving as he kneaded her flesh.

"No, I'm pretty sure that's okay," he said. He threw her underpants off in a corner. Grabbing the soles of her feet, he used them to push her back slightly so her bottom was a little closer to the center of the bed. Edward kicked off his remaining clothing and settled down on his knees, softly kissing his way up her right leg. "This, I believe, is also within the acceptable range," he said quietly. His tongue darted out to lick the spots where he'd kissed.

Bella wanted to avoid letting Edward know how strongly desire was roiling her right now, because experience had taught her he would only slow down even more. Still, she couldn't help grabbing the blanket, and he noticed. Edward looked up and Bella believed she could hear him smile as he watched her. He used his tongue more lazily, taking an eternity to leave a wet path north along her thighs, alternating from one to the other.

"But this," he said thoughtfully, stroking her center, "I don't know. What if this gets us in trouble?" His index finger gently slid the length of her and then trailed its way back up to her clit. He brushed it briefly, teasingly, before tickling around her entrance. "I mean, I would prefer to go to Italy under more ideal conditions, as opposed to being summoned there by the Volturi for sexual transgressions." He continued to stroke her thoughtfully as he spoke, and then brought his lips to her own most delicate pair, blowing softly.

By now, Bella had given up any hope of hiding her reaction. "Gah," she choked. "Huh...let's...not worry about that...now..." She hung her bent legs over Edward's shoulders, her feet dangling down his back.

"Are you _sure_?" he asked circumspectly, his words blowing more moist air.

"Pretty...sure," she panted. As much as she wanted him, as close as she already felt to exploding, she would not beg.

Maybe if she did, though, he would finally plunge right in. Edward had become very good at oral sex - at least, so it seemed to Bella. Anyone else's standard didn't matter anyway. She was more than happy to let him hone his expertise on her. All Edward had to do was give the slightest indication that he was interested in going down on her, and Bella would leap the entire Bitterroot mountain range in seconds to get to him, if necessary. Waiting wasn't easy right now, while his tongue explored her as if looking for a favorite spot, but the payoff would be one grand orgasm. Or more.

She heard him sigh. "Bella, you are so beautiful," he murmured thickly, all pretense thrown aside. Between her knees, she could feel his shoulders and back soften, an acknowledgement that their games were over and he was about to get serious.

Bella watched from her vantage point on the bed, and the way he closed his eyes and reverently placed his lips on her clit for the gentlest kiss made her breath catch. She knew she was Edward's favorite instrument, always giving him the sweetest music he wanted to hear. He was a master composer, her husband, and she moaned and sighed and hit the right notes. Edward's mouth knew her well by now.

The knot of anticipation in her core had long since unraveled, giving way to the relaxed state she knew preceded her ascension. Edward's tongue never left her as she began moving slowly, moaning and breathing more heavily. He increased his own pace slightly, urging her on in the way that he knew she liked, and in seconds she tipped over the edge, crying without tears.

Her husband knew she was hyper-sensitive in these seconds, and he withdrew his lips slowly. Moving her legs off his shoulder, he said, "Now this, I'm sure, is acceptable," as he swiftly moved so his cock was at her opening. Their symmetry was such that he needed little effort to enter her, and so he did.

Involuntarily, Bella resumed moaning in another pitch because having Edward inside her was a different pleasure than having Edward on her anywhere else. He groaned as he filled her completely and then waited a second to watch her expression, something that provided pleasure of his own. He was thrilled that he could satisfy Bella like this. He had waited long enough for it, and he never missed the opportunity to watch her face whenever he entered her. Her eyes closed slowly and her chin tilted up while her lips parted slightly with her moans. It never failed to move him deeply; she never was afraid to show him her love.

At first slowly and then with more purpose, the two of them rocked on top of the bed. Bella's moans subsided briefly until Edward subtly increased his speed, and then she cried out again. He knew that tone and that voice that she never used in any other way, in any other place, and the realization that it was only for him deepened his own rapture.

It was never rushed; they always traveled at their own speed, but it was always delicious and passionate. Though they knew each other's bodies well enough to please without fail, each time had its own new feeling, almost like another first time. Bella thought perhaps it seemed that way because they could easily have missed each other completely - could have never met, or never followed up on their curiosity about each other, or just allowed fear or uncertainty to win. Her gratefulness for Edward washed over her every time they made love.

He let her straighten her legs and then lay down softly on top of her, kissing her face and murmuring his devotion. They stayed like that until he came out of her naturally, and then turned on their sides so he could enfold his wife in his arms, her head against his chest.

_ And here Carlisle believed that handbook would never be useful_, Edward thought.


End file.
